The Future is SCARY

It has been a very very long time since I have posted anything and there has been a good reason for that, I have been contemplating this entry for a long long time. I am a worrier, I worry more when I believe I don't have control over a situation. So, I try my best to make sure all my ducks are aligned almost all the time. The future, for someone like me, can be riddled with anxious moments wondering about that ever present question "what if". My focus has been to get my weight down but now that it's down I feel the pressure to keep it off, to now slip up and slide back.  The big questions I have running through my head are these

• Winter's coming, how will I keep up with my 1/2hr daily running and 45minute daily walking?
• If I can't keep up that kind of exercise regime what will happen to me? Will the pounds begin to pile on?
• What if I suffer and injury while running that side lines me?
• I might want another baby, the whole reason I piled on so many pounds in the first place...what will I do if another baby comes along? How will I handle my weight then?
• What if I just , plain, lose my momentum. 90% of this battle has been fought on sheer momentum. The idea of running out of steam seems only too possible. How do you keep up with the will power forever?

To be completely honest the fact that we are 10.5 months into this journey and I haven't slipped back at all seems like a miracle to me. The fact that I am 6 moths down the line and still running 4 days a week and am going to MISS running over the winter shocks and pleases me.Worriers tend to plan, it is a control thing. So I have started to try to develop some contingency plans for living life as a skinny person....Here goes:

#1: Always have a plan,a goal and a strategy for the future.
#2: Find an alternative exercise that burns as many calories as jogging but that I can do at home.
#3: Take diet breaks from time to time to give myself a mini vacation.
#4: Weigh in daily to stay accountable
#5: If we decide to have another baby keep track of my calories and try not to exceed a 25 pound weight gain.
#6: If there is a new baby in the home make it a part of the postpartum plan to be back on Weight Watchers right away and begin exercising asap. This is how the indoor exercise regime might become crucial.
#7: Throw out my fat clothes and only buy and wear clothes that fit perfectly. Fat clothes are too comfy.
#8: THINK before I eat...THINK before I eat...THINK before I eat. Why do I want that glass of wine, Why am I eating another cookie, Am I hungry? Is that pasta dish the best choice.
#9: Measure and weigh my food, what goes in must be worked off daily.
#10: Forgive myself if I do mess up and gain a bit back. Guilt is a insidious feeling. Guilt can make one do weird things like say to ones self " Screw it...I already failed."

 So there we have it, I don't know what my future will bring but I do know that it will always be challenging to my diet. Aging, stresses, babies, injuries...all of it can impact and unravel the hard work I have put in to get as far as I have today. I don't know how I will cope but I do know that at least I have begun the planning stages of living life as a skinny.

WHAT...you've got to be kiding me.....

I have a confession....I have been on Weight Watchers since January and I haven't ONCE followed the program completely ....shame on me.  Once a week I make a decision to break the rules from Friday night to Saturday night by eating what I want, drinking as much as I want, snacking on high calorie treats....basically binging for about 24 hours. When I went on WW the first time I did this same thing and lost 40 pounds but never got below a certain number. Well, I have stalled out at approximately that same number, give or take 5 pounds, once again.  I have been circling it for months now and the only thing left for me to do to kick start the weight loss is to become a full fledger on the program...to follow it religiously. I am allotted an extra 49 points a week for treats like wine, a piece of cake, a big breakfast...I have been going over that 49 points wildly...just the one day a week. I can see that now all the hard work of running, walking, point counting, hunger pains, refusing to give in to cravings is for nothing because of this one binge day.

So I admitted this for the first time at my WW meetings this week and they challenged me to follow the plan for 4 solid days over the weekend, no binge day.

So, here we are, t-45 minutes until my usual binge day start and I am debating whether or not I should even attempt this madness. I know everyone else can follow the plan, I should be able to. I realize (sadly) that I am sabotaging my work with the over eating but it is mentally SO good for me...it truly truly is. I have been struggling to fit the WW diet into my life and make it a part of the backdrop and not the front and center of my everything. Dieting makes me feel deprived, angry....if I have a cheat day to look forward to I can be good, I can be solid the rest of the week.

I can only try...I can only do my best and see if I like the 49 point rule..I will do my best but I am pretty sure i'm not going to like it....here goes nothing.........

Rules to live by

For me my two new rules to live by since the birth of my son is:

I need "Me" time and I need to be at a healthy weight all the time, or at least striving towards it. Without the appropriate amount of both I am not happy, plain and simple.

This discovery has actually been very important to me, to my relationship with my family, for my attitude at work and has kept me motivated on the program. Realizing how much better I feel since losing some of my weight and clawing back personal time even with my very busy life has made me sane again, we were all starting to get worried!

I don't consider the two activities as the same thing, they are mutually exclusive. My running time is exercise and my "me" time is down time where I don't have to do anything but exactly what I want to do, guilt free. If I want to watch my soaps, wander the mall aimlessly, or sit on the deck with a book that is my relaxing time. Sometimes my "me" time includes my man or my boy because they both relax and delight me. Usually though it is all about me and i'm fine with that.

Teaching the art nutrition....how the hell do I do that?

  From pregnancy on I have felt ultimately responsible for the relationship my son has with food. Did I eat too many sweets during pregnancy? Will my failure to breastfeed mean he will end up with an obesity problem and battling diabetes as all the studies relentlessly point out. I made my own baby food but sometimes I cracked and fed him jars, I can't afford purely organic fruits and veggies, I added salt to his food, I gave him milk bottles in his crib, chips at parties, processed meals from time to time, dessert after dinner, we even went to McDonald's once. Feeding your child can become this minefield of do's and don'ts with a million opportunities for you to make judgment calls on behalf of your child...but
How do you teach a child to eat the right things in the right proportions if you aren't clear on the concept for yourself? I am working on it by taking advice from the experts and taking the lead from my boy. If he tells me he's had enough, even if his enough seems like not enough, I respect it. I want him to understand where his full is and stop at a comfortable full. I don't know how to do that. I eat until I am STUFFED which is usually significantly more calories then I need in any one meal.


 This week I had a breakthrough, discipline wise, with my son. He was adamant that he wasn't going to do something that I wanted him to do and I was determined that he would. I couldn't back down because I had drawn a deep line in the sand; to back down at that point would be to set the stage of being walked all over for the rest of my parenting career. So, what was the focus of this critical disciplinary turning point in my relationship with Ian, why suppertime of course. I had made, from scratch, a beef stew and a cauliflower and cheese. He took one look at it and said "No, banana!" After 20 minutes of begging, threatening, crying, screaming and eventually successful bargaining I managed to get Ian to take ONE bite of the cauliflower and cheese. This was all I asked for, no more no less but the expectation for him to do this was there and failure to comply meant no banana, no supper. I won, I succeeded in bending him to my will. But, of course, the inevitable fear and guilt about that food relationship crept into the back of my mind. Will this battle of wills warp his little mind? Will he grow up to feel like he never had control over his plate of food because his cruel mother forced him to try everything...even if it was just one bite. I feel as if the dinner table is the wrong place for a battle of wills but at the same time I want my child to realize that he isn't ordering from a restaurant, that variety and home made have been, are and will be always a part of the menu in our home and that when mommy says "please try this" it isn't a request but an absolute obligation. I want him to be open to trying everything but to be allowed to develop his own palate where it is OK for him not to like everything after he has tried it the once.

Of course what I want and what will happen are never  a predetermined certainty when you throw a child into the mix but one can only hope and try her best (and implement brainwashing techniques when all else fails.)

The inner transformation.

I'm feeling good, real good, lately. I knew from experience that taking weight off is a physical relief. Things are easier when you are at a healthier weight. There is, however, a toll to pay on your psyche when you are over weight. For me I lost some of the confidence that is a big part of who I have always been. I have never been a slim or petit girl and I have known since I was a child that I never would be based on my natural bone structure and build. I am completely fine with being a big, tall girl hovering in the plus sizes, not everyone can or would want to be a size 4 and not everyone can pull off a size 14-16.   It wasn't until my weight over powered my ability to control it that it started to impact the core of my personality....causing self doubt, shyness and insecurity. I am not shy, I am not insecure....I have self doubt from time to time but not at the scale I was having to deal with it. I was constantly telling myself "you can't lose this weight, you just can't". I changed my walk and my stance to try to cover up my flaws. I never took pictures of myself and actually ripped up pictures I couldn't stand to see of myself. I felt out of control and that left me frustrated, miserable and bitchy. The happy-go-lucky girl I like to think I was was quickly replaced with a mean and grouchy eating machine.

Then the weight started to come off....pound by pound my mood changed, my stance straightened up, my gait became faster and more confident. I felt comfortable in my skin again and that is liberating, comforting...exciting.

I assume that anyone who ventures into their own weight loss journey will expect some dramatic changes both inside and out, this is part of the fun and the incentive to stay on track. This is my experience to date with the mental effects of weight on my personality. I anticipate more dramatic changes ahead for me as I begin breaking through weight barriers I haven't even been close to breaking since I was a teenager. I am not sure how I will transform when I reach my ideal body weight (notice the WHEN and not if...that's something new). I know for certain that it will only be good, it can only be good, or great or fantastic...any positive descriptive word applies here. It is this weightless joy that seems to be refueling my fire to keep me on track.

huh....surprised myself

The month of August was an exceptional month for my weight loss journey. I successfully navigated the summer vacation by allowing myself a break away from the Weight Watchers life style change for two weeks. I successfully lost the 2 pounds I gained from that breach, lose another 2 pounds and managed to endure the worst "Plateau" since I began this process. I had basically been at a 30 pound weight loss for the entire summer. August, something clicked. Maybe it was the cooler mornings or the back to routine but I was able to shed a whopping 4 pounds this month! Takes a bow.  I know there are diets out there that will make you shed 10 pounds in a month or 30 pounds in 60 days...eat baby food, don't eat carbs, shovel in the cabbage but don't touch a grain of sugar. I have never ever considered any diet that restricted my carb or sugar intake to 0. Carbs and sugar are what make my world go 'round. That means though that I have to be more patient with a slower weight loss and be very ok with that. As long as it is coming off i'll be ok with however long it takes.

Running in the sun

As a newbie runner I have really struggled over the summer with the intense trauma that is running in the heat. I did it though, regularly. I felt like a total warrior out there at 5 a.m. and it was already 25c. The hardest runs were the mid day high heat jogs that left me wondering if I was going into heat stroke. The last few days have been dramatically cooler so the running has been more comfortable. BUT, as a result of the extreme heat I hadn't been pushing myself as hard over the summer. I hadn't wanted to get into any dangerous territory of dehydration and heat exhaustion, a very real possibility in the summer sun. So, although I have run 5K I haven't pushed myself that hard in weeks. I fear that I have plateaued at 3-4km as a standard run 3-5x a week. It isn't bad for a person of my weight and inexperience I feel but I am ready to try to kick it back up a notch. This week I have introduced back into the mix some sprints at the end of the 3-4km. These are great for burning a load of extra calories and building up some better cardio. The one drawback to them is that I suffer from more aches and pains after the fact, particularly in my hip flexors. I figure that the more I work those muscles the quicker they will loosen up and the aches will eventually be gone....well that's the plan anyway.

The Baby

Ian is my little boy and, he lights up my life. Oh my how things have changed in the 2+ years since his arrival. Preian (my new word for my life before baby) I had bags of time and nothing to do with it so, I wasted so hours shopping, lounging, cooking and grinding away randomly at life.  Preian I had successfully lost 40 pounds on Weight Watchers and had kept it off for 3 years give or take 5 pounds. I took the time to walk everyday, I took the time to shop for all the right foods, research recipes, cook two meals a regular meal for the man and a low fat version for me. I didn't consider any of this pampering, just life. I wanted to be thinner and this is the way I knew how to do get that done. Then the baby came and everything shifted to the left. But let's back track a bit, let's go back a few years to 2008...

When, at 35, we decided to try for a baby, we knew things might not go according to plan given my age. It took us 5 months to conceive our first pregnancy and we were so over joyed. But...10 weeks in I misscarried. A "blighted ovum" they said..never really there. "Your body thinks it's pregnant so it behaves like it is....but there was no baby" WHAT? I was crushed, I was confused...I mourned and gained 10 pounds.  Within 3 months I was pregnant again...this time around I was so much more reserved, I didn't tell anyone except my mom and a few close friends. I wanted to believe everything was fine but how could I after my first pregnancy. At 11 weeks we found out that there was a baby but that at 8.5 weeks it had stopped growing. This time I was not only confused but scared. I mourned and gained 10 pounds and stopped exercising. Within 3 months I was pregnant again. I was frightened and convinced I was going to have to go through another tragic miscarriage. I prepared for the worst and was never more over joyed when I saw a little flickering heartbeat. From that little flicker on he has lite up my life. The journey to becoming a mom was sad for me but in the end I was blessed with a healthy and happy baby.

Parenthood is not always easy. In fact a lot of the time is is simply exhausting. The rewards of parenting make the experience so worthwhile, little things like the first smile, the first real hug and the first full night sleep since birth. Parenting is an adjustment and one my partner and I are still getting used to. In the first 6 months I was too tired to exercise and that was no excuse. I was struggling a bit with  postpartum, I was heavier then I had ever been and I lacked motivation. Eating and drinking were comforting and I just couldn't find time in my new reality to fit exercise in. A year of maternity leave meant I was right next to the fridge all day long. When I was back at work I had another adjustment period as I settled into my new new routine of a working mother. Once I wasn't in the house everyday and with Ian every minute of everyday I realized quickly that I was regaining some of my independence back. Babies don't stay babies for long and each month brought something new. Sometimes it was freedom like when he began sitting up on his own and didn't need me to prop him; like when he started walking and he didn't need me to carry him from point A to B; like when he began insisting on feeding himself. Some changes brought less freedoms like when he began exploring, opening drawers, pressing buttons, bolting for the back gate, climbing on the couch, needing help but not wanting help. But all in all I was gaining back  "me time" which gave me the incentive I needed to reflect on how horrible I was feeling about myself, weight gain is depressing.

Children also make you realize that you dying just isn't an option. This little life needs you and your absence would leave a hole too big to fix in his or her life. My weight was at a level that was a serious risk to my health and I needed to get control and now before it was too late. Also, the bigger Ian gets the faster he moves. If I want to be a responsible, involved and active parent I need to be able to keep up with him. I need to be lighter, leaner, more agile and , By God, I need to be fast. I'm at the - 30 pound mark and Ian is at the +30 pound mark, we are neck and neck. For every pound I lose I get faster, for every pound (and inch) he gains he gets faster. I am so relieved I am running after my little toddler at the weight and fitness level I am today and NOT the weight I was this time last year.

What is this walking thing?

Weight Watchers launched their new program this year. The first time I did the WW program fruit was a No-No and exercise was optional. The new program gives dieters up to 5 free fruits a day before they are counted towards your daily points and now they encourage daily exercise. The goal is 30 minutes of high impact aerobic activity 3 times a week and daily physical activity. To support this new lifestyle change they are expecting from their dieters they have joined forces with the Running Room to sponsor  WALK-IT challenge 5km walk on a Sunday morning. My first WALK-IT Challenge took place earlier this summer in June. I am so proud to say that I walked along with the pace walker and finished my 5km in 42:41...my quickest time running 5km is 36.47! and my average is about 38minutes . I am a very very slowwww runner but a damn fast walker.  I do believe I impressed the pace walker as it was my first time out....I had a goal to keep up with her for the 5km and it was a piece of cake!

For some people the idea of running is just too big a hurdle to over come, I was of that mind set for years so instead of "running" I walked everywhere...fast. I didn't even realize how fast I was actually going, How close I was to running all those years. I could have run 5km all along! I guess for those who have read my blog and have thought "I could never run 5km" I say...guess again...you might be walking faster then you could ever run it !

Why it matters

Last week at my Weight Watchers meeting my speaker Nancy, wasn't there. I realized how much Nancy has to do with my success on the Weight Watchers program because she really attacks the root of your weight problem at the human level; she doesn't stop at the calorie counter or the fat content like so many other trainers, nutritionists and speakers at Weight Watchers.  Weight gain is obviously too much input not enough output but the WHY is what Nancy delves into. I never thought about the why I eat too many calories too much until Nancy's talks, I didn't really care about the why's.  Now, I question my choices...why do I want that doughnut at 1 pm, because I feel like I need a treat to get me through the afternoon. So, if it is a treat I need, then it is a treat I shall have but it will be a treat that fits into the plan and I will limit that treat to the time I most need it. Knowing the WHY means I can either avoid or meet the temptation head on. Meeting it head on means finding ways to have the treat that fit the lifestyle or being OK with the cheat and the repercussions. Knowing the fat count or the calorie count is important but , somehow, knowing that information keeps this a diet and not a lifestyle change. Knowing the WHY's of temptation help to make it a realistic, attainable and permanent change. Thank you Nancy for teaching this hard headed woman how to really look at her cravings with a clear and objective eye.

Nearly lost my way

So , it is a little beyond mid summer and I am struggling with my diet AND now my exercise. I haven't been to a Weight Watchers meeting in 5 weeks. I admit it, on my 2 week vacation I easily cheated, badly, 8-9 days out of 14. I did continue to run, kinda, but I had promised myself I would do a 5k race that had been professionally organized in my area and I chickened out. I have made excuse after excuse for weeks now "It's summer, enjoy yourself", "It's a party, enjoy yourself" , "It's too hot, don't kill yourself instead ENJOY YOURSELF". I really am very convincing, and a bad influence. At this point I have only seen a very, very slight increase at the scale but I know that time will catch up to me and a lot of hard work that I have laid down in previous weeks will be lost to my own lack of will power and willingness to give up. I am truly disappointed in myself because  feel like I have let the momentum drop and it is so hard to get it going again once you've lost the spark. It's not even that I wasn't seeing results or receiving compliments, to the contrary, I was losing weight every week and getting great feed back daily from people. I just wanted a vacation from my new lifestyle I guess. I can't say it any plainer then that. I was diet fatigued and the running is murder in the heat. I was having nightmares thinking about being the last runner in the 5k. I was convinced that all the 5k runners were experts that would leave me choking on their dust and i'd get those "Well at least you did it" pep talks.

See how convincing I can be....

So, without making any promises I can't keep I have decided that I have to set some new sights, some new ground rules and almost start from scratch. First, I have to be OK with my occasional cheats, this is part of life. I am going to waver, I am going to convince myself that eating a brick of cheese with a box of Ritz crackers is a great idea....I just have to keep it to specific reasons. LIKE Vacation, or weekends. Although I would LOVE to run the Terry Fox, I don't think I can do it. My maximum run so far has been 6.5 km so I just don't have the training in for a 10k at this point. That doesn't mean I will never do it, it just means I have to train more in order to try. I must get back to Weight Watchers meetings, they are the heart and soul of m diet plan. The community is fabulous, the speaker is inspirational and funny. I need them to keep me on track and inspired.

I must keep writing this blog weekly if not daily. It is another resource for keeping me accountable. I have let it slide along with all of my other neglects.On to another day, looking forward towards continued weight loss and healthy living.

Crunching the numbers

Anyone who has been on any kind of weight loss program has an umoveable number that they never think they will ever get to cross....I am 5 pounds away from my unmoveable number. It is exciting to be so close but a little frustrating to be, what I know is, a few weeks away from getting below the number (my weight loss has slowed way down now) .I have noticed that the numbers are playing a huge role in the diet head game for me...can I run 5 km?, how many ozs have I lost this week?, do I count that point in my plan? I am constantly crunching the numbers , all day long.  When I stop counting I end up cheating, it's the way I roll. I need to add up those activity points for running (translation, more food!!), or I won't bother running at all, I need to get on that scale daily in order to remain accountable for any weight gain or celebrate any weight loss, I need to count those calories or I over eat.  As long as I have a mental spreadsheet running in my head at all times I remain on track.

The Lifestyle

Today is July 6th 2011 and it is a beautiful sunny summer day here in Montreal. I have realized something important this summer, dieting in the warm months is WAY harder then in the colder months but it is all balanced off by the abundant opportunity to be physically active. It is this balancing that I think is the key to making my changes towards the healthiest I can be actually stick. I have really tried this week to be sensible about my caloric intake and on days where I know I am going to be having a glass or two of wine on the deck with the family I eat less during the day, and not let that guilt creep in. I haven't gained because I haven't been as regimented about my diet, I have been about the same. Steadily losing weight and getting fit.

Last week I reached my 10% goal, I was seesawing between delighted and underwhelmed by it. I was proud that I reached the goal but felt "it's not 15%" Then I remembered how I felt in January when they told me how much I had to lose to reach my 10%...23.8 pounds "How the hell am I ever going to do that?". I needed to sit and revel in the accomplishment for a minute.

I am now getting daily compliments on my weight loss. I am so thankful to people who have actually made a point of cheering me on and making me feel like the work I am putting into this change is really starting to take shape. I appreciate the encouragement and that coupled with feeling so much better in my skin has been the two strongest incentives to keep up my daily running, walking, biking, swimming and dieting. Thank you for reading my blog and thank you for letting me know that it has inspired you to change some things in your life.

I know I am not the best runner or the best dieter or the best anything. All I know is that I am committed to feeling how I feel now and only getting better. If you are reading this and wondering if you should try Weight watchers or the couch 2 5 k I can tell you that although it isn't easy to feel like you're starving or to pound the road at 5 am but the feeling I have today compared to what I was 23.8 pounds ago...there is no comparison. I am a happier human today EXCLUSIVELY because of this journey. Looks matter, being healthy matters. It is worth the sweat, it is worth saying no daily to the things you want. I have reached 10%, I have run 5k, I FEEL GREAT!

Still at it, getting somewhere

It has been too long between posts, I know that. I am not a great diary writer but I have started this and I am determined to continue.

I am still on track with my jogging experiment. I am, however, in full *summer* mode and have therefore taken the opportunity to try new things to keep my exercise routine FRESH. I am power walking at least once a week in replace of a jog. I have found that although I am a really slow and lumbering jogger I am an incredibly fast and stellar power walker. It comes far more naturally to me, I don't suffer with the same aches and groans from my body while I am on a walk. I am tempted to keep the walking up but drop the more difficult and painful running. But that wouldn't be the point; I am not looking for easier, I am looking for challenging because a challenge conquered is more rewarding and gives me reason to keep at it. I have started taking swimming classes. I have always loved swimming, I am a good swimmer but I could use some tips. The first time in the pool doing laps and I nearly drowned...I was panting and gasping by the end of the FIRST LENGTH...pathetic.  But I have gotten a few great pointers and I am gliding through the water now like a mermaid. I am biking about 30km a week just to throw a bit of a change into the road work.

So, in other words...the exercise portion of my lifestyle change is going smoothly and has been successful.

That leaves us with the diet. I am waning on the diet. I find it tiresome and frustrating. I have an appetite for the rich and decadent and a taste for more then my metabolism can withstand. As much as I say no one minute I am tempted the next.  Then, when I do go off on a bit of a binge I feel so guilty now where I didn't before. I think to myself "you are doing all this physical work to get into shape and your mouth is blowing it."

What I have been trying to do is to merge a lifestyle that  like into a diet plan that feels natural and normal and not like a "diet". I want to be able to eat what I want without pulling out a calculator or writing it down. But my reality isn't that...my reality is that I have to keep track and when I don't I am not able to maintain weight loss and , in fact, will gain weight if I am not very careful and consistent watching my calories. The balancing act seems to be eluding me at the moment. The sweet spot between diet and lifestyle that I am sure is the holy grail to ever lasting weight control. If I can't find that balance I know this diet won't work. The exercise has been a breeze but this damn diet.......

What I have learned so far is that I can do just about anything physically that I set my mind to do (with in reason). I am still training my brain to settle for less calories and fewer treats...to relearn how to eat and when to eat. It is a constant up hill battle for me and I am starting to get tired.

Involving the Family

I read this recently and it had brough me to tears.

http://www.penmachine.com/2011/05/the-last-post

 I read this man's final post from a 10 year blog, the last few years of it chronicling his battle with cancer. As sad and devastating as this last post is I came away from it thinking that this man Derek had it right in the end. He spent his final days reflecting on the joys in his life and realizing how lucky he was to have experienced his life, as short as it would be. Sometimes the daily grind can feel like it is turning me into dust. I have let it wear me down and that is my fault nobody else can take the blame for that one. I sometimes forget why I have spent the last 6 months getting a handle on my weight, it isn't for my vanity, it isn't so I can buy smaller jeans or run in a marathon...or suffer needlessly as it feels like I do sometimes. It is so I will be healthy enough to spend quality time with my son and live a long life so I can watch him grow. The one thing about this plan is that it doesn't factor in the unexpected, Derek's last blog posting brought that home to me. I found it incredibly profound reading about a father, a husband, a friend, a son living his final days so there wouldn't be any regret. They only way to do that is to appreciate every minute of it. To not let the daily grind effect you, get caught up in that.

So keeping this life lesson in my mind's eye, when Ian woke up at 5 a.m. instead of considering this  an obstacle for my exercise routine, I packed him up and took him with me.  We had a great time out on the road AND I was able to speed walk 5.56km in 48 minutes while pushing a baby carriage! It was a great way of spending some time with the little guy, he enjoyed the wild life that only comes out at 5 in the morning and I enjoyed showing it to him while exercising. If I could I would thank Derek for his last blog entry. It has made me slow down and involve Ian into my plans. To stop every day to appreciate what I have while I have it and to see the small pictures inside the big picture.

Aches and Pains

Since I have begun this jogging thing I have never felt so fit, or old! Every run has the inevitable repercussion of the aches and pains of using muscles that haven't been used in years...or ever before.  I believe that all new runners suffer with something, sore knees, heels, aching gluts or quads. In my case it's the hip flexors. After a major , or even a minor, jog there lives two sharp points of pain just where you put your hands on your hips before you tell someone off. Two burning balls that make me groan and wince when I get up from a chair or bed or walk from the kitchen to the living room. The next day after first few runs the ache was unbearable. I felt hobbled and crept around for a couple of days. Despite the pain I would push on and run the next day and the next. I have learned that I cannot do this to my body, it isn't happy being tortured. Instead, if I do a long run, then I give myself 2 days between runs. I will walk or bike instead. This way, by the next opportunity I have to lace up the shoes, my hips feel better and I can run without feeling like I am going to die. Slowing the pace down felt, at first, like failure. Now I realize that IF I respect my body's capabilities it will take me farther.

Thank You

  This week's Weight Watcher meeting focused on the people in your life who help you or sabotage you on your weight loss journey. I didn't connect with the sabotage portion of the topic in terms of people trying to derail my efforts because everyone in my life has been incredibly encouraging towards my success and actively helping me to reach my goals. I am so lucky to have such a supportive and loving man in my life who I can share my triumphs with and who props me up when I am feeling like I can't accomplish my goals. He gives me the confidence to try anything and the acknowledgment when I succeed. My man is also a major role model. He keeps his weight in check with sheer will power and always has...impressive. He ran in a 1/2 marathon 2 weeks after our son was born...inspiring (although a little insane). He is fit and physical and I admire that, I am inspired by it and I strive to be in the same realm if not equal to him, Thank you Dave.

The only person trying to sabotage my success is me. I am the only one who talks myself into cheats or skipping runs. I take ownership of and responsibility for my own actions here. I know that part of a life change is wrestling with my own will to be lazy and eat out of habit. I have been successful to some degree, I have lost 24 pounds so far from Jan 5, I am proud of that. I have run 5KM, I am extremely proud of that. I feel at this point that I have control over the exercise portion of my lifestyle change. That being said I feel that I have always enjoyed the active life. I have joined gyms and included daily activity in my life for years. I am more serious and methodical with the activity level then ever before and that is the direct change I have made in the last 6 months. Where I am sabotaging myself is with food. I am constantly justifying treats and cheat. I am constantly at battle with myself to not over eat or slip up. It is wearying and frustrating. I knew I had a lot of work to do to reign in that part of my brain but I never realized how much work it would be. The exercise has helped me get to where I am today but if I don't get control of the relationship I have with food I fear for my future success in this change.

I will keep plugging along.

meeting the goal, setting new sights

I am proud to announce that on May 27th I ran my first 5 KM.

Takes a bow....


Crossing that mental finish line was one of the proudest moments I have ever had. I never thought in a million years that I would be capable of doing this. The speed in which I improved was astounding and it is not because I am something special....it is just the way we are all built. If I can run 5km almost anyone can.

But instead of stopping at that I think I better strike while the iron's hot and set up a new goal. Today I would like to set the goal of the Terry Fox 10K in September. Again, I am reluctant to think this is possible but without setting up the goal there is nothing to shoot for.

5Km wasn't easy but it certainly wasn't nearly as difficult as I had feared it would be. Not only that, but I discovered that running has  been good for the mind, body and soul. I feel more confident, I feel thinner and I feel better about myself for doing it. It is a HIGH and I recommend it to everyone.

The mental game

I was somewhat surprised to realize today that running is EXACTLY like everything else in my life...if I am mentally committed to it it's easy, if my head isn't in the game it is impossible.This week has been an exercise in mental gymnastics. I have spent time abusing myself for not losing fast enough, admiring my new body in the bathroom mirror, lamenting the fact that I can't eat everything I want when I want it, congratulating myself on losing another .5 pounds and then criticizing myself for it not losing a full pound.  The inner dialogue is a dramatic roller coaster of Jekyll and Hyde thinking. It can play out on the road as well, I can make it to that blue car...oh no you can't. I actually caught myself in this internal dialogue:

"Just to the end of the block"
" Bullshit!"
What do you mean bullshit"
"Well the last time you said "just to the end of the block" you made me run all the way home...so I call Bullshit".....

" Well this time will be different, this time when I say "end of the block" that's what I mean"

"Bullshit....you're stopping now because I don't BELIEVE you"


So I stopped and walked for two blocks the whole time berating myself for not "making it". It's ridiculous how this internal dialogue effects everything. I can talk myself into or out of almost anything if I let the dialogue get the better of me. So the only way I have found to combat the internal dialogue is to day dream on my runs (I'm running in a marathon kicking everyone's ass is my favourite). For food I just do my best to have the right kinds of food in the house but this doesn't always work. So I ALWAYS have treats, they are just less fattening treats then the used to be. It's amazing how awesome a chocolate wafer tastes when you know it's the only thing you have in the house. Bottom line this is where the die in diet comes into play....you must now flex your discipline muscles and make sure you ignore that internal dialogue and commit yourself to the greater good. This is what normal, healthy active people do every day. I am sure it is a battle too for them it's just that they have more practice at it and they're discipline muscles are bigger and stronger.

My facebook status update today is this
"It takes more energy to come up with excuses and feel guilty about them then to just get out and do it."

All You Can't Eat Anonymous

So as the weeks drift by and the pain staking process of dropping the pounds keeps hammering on and on I have lost focus. I am trying my best but I find that the diet is relentless. I have reached the point where I feel I may start to slip back into my evil ways. So, I am enlisting friends to help me along the way. Anyone who I can corner and blab to about my diet talk, I do...then I try to enlist them. I NEED buddies to keep me on track and in my opinion, the more the merrier. My dream is to have legions of like minded people watching each other carefully in order to help them stay on track to their goals, sharing stories, recipes, exercise tips. I would get personal where if you feel a cheat coming on you could call your support buddy. If you gain 10 pounds on your cruise to the Bahamas then the Boot Camp drill sergeant will be all over your ass when you get back...i'll call it "All You Can't Eat Anonymous" .... who's with me?

Everyone I talk to about food has some kind of relationship with it. In this society of over eating we have to form an opinion or maybe a line of defense is a better way of describing how one deals with food. It isn't easy to change a pattern, sometimes you need support and the best kind of support, in my books, comes from people who understand, who've been there, who are going through it with you.

So that's where we're at now....struggling along trying to resist the compulsion to over eat, usually succeeding and trying not to beat myself up when I don't. I can feel my resistance starting to wane and having the self awareness of that fact gives me hope. I will keep on enlisting my friends to join my army to fight the battle of the bulge, we will succeeedddddd!

Jeanetics

I had a wake up call last week...no weight loss, in fact weight GAIN! I was frustrated, mad, shocked, disappointed, perplexed and felt like giving up. Then I pondered over what went wrong, how can I be running 20 km's a week and still gain weight? How could it be possible to add pounds when I sweat my butt off 30-45 minutes 4 times a week? ARRRGHHHHH!

I chalk it up to two things: Just because I have run for 1/2 an hour doesn't give me carte blanche at dinner time and, I just don't have it in the genes, that is my reality.


So here I am festering over the fact that people like my fiance can eat lovely whopping slabs of jammy toast and 2 eggs (his breakfast this morning) while I sit there, after running for 1/2 hour, nibbling on a slice of bread for diabetics, how is this fair? Well, if I had always nibbled on diabetic bread I wouldn't be in this predicament of being over weight. That being said, my fiance is also equipped with a fast burning metabolism and an "off" switch when it comes to eating at meal time. I am equipped with a love of food and  "i've had enough" comes 10 minutes too late at most mealtimes. Genetics play a deeper role here, if you have the right genes to fit into the right jeans (sorry, I could NOT resist) your weight just isn't an issue for you, thank your lucky stars for that little daily miracle. Just a word of advice for my lovely fiance from a ravenous, disgruntled dieting girlfriend on the warpath,  practice your ducking reflexes for those mealtimes when a fork, carefully aimed, comes flying across the dinner table......

I love you and i'm just kidding, a dinner roll has much better balance.

Dear Ian

Dear Ian,

Today is mother's day and for the second time in my life I have been able to celebrate along with all the other moms out there. I am so proud and happy to be, not only a mother, but your mother. I feel that I owe YOU a gift today and so I will give you what I think is the best gift I can offer...I promise to be the healthiest I have ever been this year. I promise that by the end of the month of May 2011 I will have run 5KM without stopping, I promise to stay on my diet and lose those pounds that have been threatening my health and therefore my future as your mom. I hope that I can stay motivated so that I become a role model for health and fitness in your life. I want you to watch me enjoy the process of exercise and eventually want to join me. Maybe by then I will actually be able to chat while we run....right now it's all I can do to keep my legs up but I am still learning. One day I want to be the one to teach you.

Thanks kiddo, you have inspired me to change and in 39 years NOTHING has been able to do that.

Love, mommamomma

Getting Started - advice from an amature

Recently I have been asked by a couple of people who have been following my C25K progress how to get started, what are the first steps. I don't know much about jogging, I am still very much a beginner, but what I do know is how to get started with the couch to 5k program.

My first piece of advice is to invest in the right gear: good shoes, stop watch and comfortable running clothes including rain gear. The shoes are the most important, to go to a store like the Running Room www.runningroom.com to buy a decent pair of shoes that are best suited to your running style. The Running Room offers advice from employees who have been trained to analyze the gait of your walk and suggest shoes that offer support where you may need it most. For example, when my fiance Dave began running he had problems with sharp pains in his knees. We decided to check out the Running Room for new shoes where the specialist (who was also an avid runner) discovered that when walking Dave's arches collapsed inwards which would be exaggerated when running and therefore the specialist recommended a pair of jogging shoes that would give extra support to his arches. Low and behold, the sharp knee pain subsided dramatically. So, first step (pun intended) get your butt down to the Running Room, bring at least 150$ Canadian and get a decent pair of shoes.

Second piece of advice is setting goals for each of your runs that are realistic, attainable, adaptable and based on a method of tracking either through timing, reaching landmarks or miles under your belt. The couch to 5 km program relies heavily on timing your run as a method for reaching your goals. In the first few weeks you are timing by the seconds and work your way up to minutes, then on to km's. I quickly abandoned the timing routine in favour of using landmarks for goals as I didn't have a stop watch that I liked. I recommend that you either invest in a stop watch with a clear, well lit, easy to read face or run using landmarks. Although I am a HUGE fan of the C25K idea I haven't been following the routine in all honesty.  So this got me thinking how is my progress in comparison to the program...I was delighted to find out that I am pretty much on track for the last workout of the 6 week mark:

Today I ran 3.6 km (2.25miles) in 30 minutes stopping once at the half way mark for a breather. 
C25K Work out says I should be doing this at week 6 (Full program at the folliwng link www.coolrunning.com)

Work out 1
Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then:

• Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)
• Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes)
• Jog 3/4 mile (or 8 minutes)
• Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes)
• Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)

Work out 2
Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then:

• Jog 1 mile (or 10 minutes)
• Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes)
• Jog 1 mile (or 10 minutes)

Work out 3
Brisk five-minute warmup walk,
then jog 2-1/4 miles (or 25 minutes) with no walking.

So using landmarks worked well for me, I was able to push myself further by thinking, I will not stop until I reach the end of this block, I will not stop until I have circled the block twice etc....

My third point is to keep track of your progress. I have been using the blog as a diary of my progress but I have begun to use the website www.mapmyrun.com as a way of setting up runs, tracking the distance of my runs and, in the weeks to come, to keep track of my timing. My new goal is to start to pick up speed on the road and shave minutes off of my time. Keeping notes will be a way of increasing distance by mapping routes that are more challenging, discovering a good time of day for you to run (I am great right before dinner) and reading or viewing how far you have come from the hard beginning in either a written diary like this one or in charts and graphs using sites like mapmyrun.


My final piece of advice is this, do not to let your expectations dictate what you can or can't do. If I followed my extremely low expectations of myself I would still be in the first week or even have abandoned the program all together. I surprise myself daily on how much further I am able to go physically then what my brain says I can do. In the beginning it worked the opposite, I thought I could make the end of the block and when I couldn't I was disappointed in myself. You will do what you can do, in most cases you will do better then you thought you could.


Jogging is an amazing sport. It requires very little financial investment, you can do it straight from your front door or even in your home if you have the equipment. It is extremely challenging, an awesome workout, very goal oriented. It builds muscle, melts fat, brings your heart rate up, gets you moving in ways you haven't for a long time or, in my case, ever. Good luck road warrior.

Transformations

Dear Reader,
I will "pimp" my blog and add photos in the days to come. It is a matter of reorganizing and finding time to invest in the process...but I promise I will rework the look of this blog!!

My blog should look as good as I have been feeling lately. Here is just a short list of how my life is better since losing about half of the weight I intend to lose:

- I am fitting into my skinny wardrobe
- I no longer pant when I play with my son, climb stairs, lug the groceries in from the car. Simple tasks no longer exhaust me!
- I am starting to see what the real me looks like under all of this lovely upholstering that I have been carrying for years. I really AM big-Boned!! hahaha
- All my joints ache less even after running.
- I am more confident.
- I am more relaxed
- I am more often in a good mood
- I am proud of myself for reaching goals I never thought possible and being driven by that success to reach further still.

I am not where I need to be yet, I am not where I want to be yet...yes they are different goals. I NEED to lose another 20 pounds to within a weight  that would ward off health issues related to weight. I want to lose another 35 pounds to be at the weight I would consider my absolute perfect size. 35 pounds would put me in the realm where i would really be transformed. I wouldn't even recognize myself if I were down another 35 pounds. The thought even scares me a bit...would that be too much of a transformation away from the person I have grown into, built a personality around? Can I even do it?  At this point it seems ridiculous considering that despite my best efforts I have been staying at or even gaining ounces over the last week. Time will tell.

Blocks of time

I see my days filled up with boxes of time, long blue rectangular boxes for sleep, hot pink wide squares for work hours and everything else in a spectrum of colours filling my free time with activities. BC (before child) those boxes were in such pretty arrangements, a stack of three fifteen minutes bright yellow boxes for my hair appointment, a pyramid of hour long orange boxes for a party on the weekend, a pile of violet half hour squares for a nap on a Sunday afternoon.

AC (after child) I found myself surrounded by a totally different layout of boxes. At first all the boxes were the same blurry gray colour, one running into the next, feed, diapers, wake, catnap, feed, bath, doctor appointment, rest, awake, awake awake...slowly we found our feet and the shapes came back but now the boxes of time are far more uniformed, more predictable and so much smaller. A teeny, tiny polka dot box in the morning is the time I get for a shower, The itsy, witsy lime green block in between dinner and bath time are reserved for a Facebook moment. Sometimes the monotony of the grind gets me down but then happy little rainbow squares of time to play with my boy pop up everyday, in the moments it takes to get him dressed for school and I must give him kneecap tickles, or the peek-a-boo games around the kitchen as he munches on a banana for breakfast. Those are the blocks of time I wish I could stretch into enormous day filling carton shaped boxes dedicated to nothing but playing, spit an giggling, cuddles and cuteness....ahhhhe, motherhood

The reasoning

The things I do for food...remarkable really...I have finally realized that if I turn my drive for nosh towards good rather then evil I get so much more done.

This morning at 5.A.M. the last thing I wanted to do was get up for a run...but I did
I couldn't find my good track pants or a pair of socks and I was starving so while I was rummaging around for the pants, stealing a pair of his socks and rustling up a light snack I, of course, woke the baby. I tried all my foolproof tricks to settle him back down which, naturally, didn't work because any fool knows there is no foolproof plan to settle a baby down. Finally as the baby is starting to slip back into whiny dreamland I head to the door only to realize that the skies had opened and it was raining fat cats and dogs....sigh.  I plug on....start my jog in the dismal, grey blah. 1/2 a block in i'm panting and wishing I brought my inhaler...I plug on....1 1/2 blocks later I am thinking OMG why didn't I bring my inhaler!!...I plug on. I make it only 1/2 my normal run and have to throw in the towel...not only had my lungs screamed enough's enough on the second of my four bends but my Ipod batteries kicked the bucket.

Why did I stick it out? Why did I bother...so I could have a bigger breakfast, a cookie at lunch and a glass of wine with dinner...and it was SO worth it!

Dial it down

Well after my weekend of debauchery I amazed myself with a fantastic 6k run, then I ran the next day too a full4.2 km...I was on a roooollllll.  Then the next day happened and all hell broke loose. First, the muscles in my legs did some serious protesting..they even went on a strike. As a result I have been limping around for 2 days, creeping in an out of the car, gingerly edging up staircases and generally moving like a old school hockey player who's out of Bengay.....then the stomach flu hit last night and along with it a fever of 38.2c. Not deathly but enough to scare me off anything physical for the next few days. My body deserves a break and has sent me a message. Luckily I have the stomach flu because with 0 activity brings a much stricter diet.



I'll be back at it by Friday though, rest up, heal up and hopefully return with little or no regression.

Recovering from the cheat

So here it is, the eve before the start of a new week and I have just spent the last 48 hours rather then 24 cheating. Everything from chocolate cheese cake to Cote St Luc BBQ Fries passed these lips this weekend. I don't usually feel that terrific guilt that can come along with cheating...after a week of running and dieting I feel I owe myself the break....but this time I went over board and the guilt has crept in.  Now, as I sit here, I am dreading the day tomorrow because along with the pleasure of cheating comes the pain of readjusting the stomach size and, usually, a very brutal run. The saturation of salt, fat and sugar in my blood stream makes me sluggish, demotivated and bloated....ugh! If I can just get through tomorrow i'll be motivated to get through the rest of the week (*I hope*).

So tonight I wallow with a belly full of twizzlers and Easter chocolate, tomorrow I pound it out on the road, I starve it out with pita bread and low fat cheese spread, I will it out with sheer determination...and hope I survive to live to another cheat day because, basically, Cheat Days are what I live for !

The Public Forum

When you are living life as a heavier person you live life with your biggest flaws exposed and this exposure has given me some advantages. I feel I have the ability to laugh at myself, the knowledge that looks are only part of the package and a sensitivity to see other peoples flaws with less judgment because, after all, no one is perfect. However, weight is an issue that is still open to general ridicule in the public forum. Without getting too preachy and obnoxious, fatso's are often the butt of many jokes, the victims of prejudice, are judged on what they appear to be and not on who they are; these are facts of life for a fatty. 

The public forum is filled with these kinds of battles, I happen to fall into a category that is flexible and subject to change if that is what I chose to do. Not everyone is so lucky. I applaud those who are out there day in and day out fighting the good fight against the injustice and prejudices they face daily, reeducating people as they go. I am thankful for social networking because it has given me a voice and the incentive to continue on my journey. It can be a great tool for all of us who are working on ourselves or on changing the views of others one tweet, status update, blog posting at a time.

The Wednesday Effect

We all know that some days are harder then others. The good news is that it works the other way 'round too, some days can be much easier and far more rewarding then others. Mid week does not mean the blues when it comes to my running program and diet. I feel like a light & lean moving machine come Wednesday and it has consistently been my most effective, successful and inspiring day of the week. Today I was able to jog 3.3 km stopping briefly four times. When I started jogging a month ago I had to stop after every 60 seconds for a 90 second breather. I realize that 3.3 km might be some peoples warm up route but for me it is EPIC. On Sunday this week I suffered. I felt like there was an elephant sitting on my chest when I ran, I was ready to dive face first into a bowl of whipped cream and salted chips. I gritted my teeth and thought to myself "Why isn't this getting any easier? " Here it is, Wednesday, and I am thinking "yum, fresh fruit and soup for lunch seems really appealing, maybe i'll have those cookies I brought with me today but only if I feel like it, I don't NEED to have them.  Run 5km...but of course I can do that....i'm almost there already right...It is Wednesday after all."

I wrote this on day 2 of the C25K

I hope it will get easier and I will be able to look back at the tragedy of today's leg and say....it's so much easier today then on day 2.

I can say, wholeheartedly,  that it is so much easier then day 2, it really is.

Oh, and I am totally eating those cookies...there was never any doubt about that!

You are my priority

It amazes me how much you learn about yourself when you decide to change what you feel has become your "persona" . I have always been that big girl at the party and with that status comes a whole mentality. You either hide away and drown yourself in shyness or you roll with it. I always rolled with it.  Now I see myself as one day being that athletic girl at the party and I am determined to get there. I have found that I am questioning things about myself that were always given's before. When I originally started the diet I figured that it was very personal and just for me but I have since realized that, actually, my motivations are less personal and more family oriented. I want to be energetic enough to keep up with my boy and I want to look good for my man, I want him to be proud of his girl. Of course this has me thinking "are these the right reasons and are they good enough to sustain a permanent life change?" . I hope my family will always be a driving force behind my decision to stay fit because it means that I am prioritizing my health as much as I prioritize having financial stability, time spent with my family or any other reason to keep the family happily together.

Thinking further along those lines I have also considered how my weight has impacted my thought process. For the most part it was a convenient excuse for everything from fatigue to mood swings. So once the weight started coming off my expectations were that I would be blissfully happy with every aspect of my life. That, of course, is just a set up for disappointment. It became clear rather quickly that weight doesn't actually define you, it does help your general attitude and good mood when you feel better about how you look but it doesn't resolve every issue you might have.  I can't rely on weight loss or the couch to 5 km to make me a happy person. This has been a bit of a learning curve in the process. I just assumed that I would always be happy once I lost what I thought was the only monkey on my back.  This is a fantasy. The reality is that in order for me to be a well rounded and over all happier person I need to cherry pick the things in life that make me happy and prioritize them accordingly. I have been having trouble spreading myself too thin since having the baby. Finding that perfect balance has been a MAJOR stumbling block and I still haven't mastered it nearly 2 years later. I am learning each day what is important and what isn't but sometimes it feels like everything is important and that's where I have been falling down. So, I have started with the diet, I moved on to the exercise and it still isn't good enough.  So, just for the record, my priorities today and for the years to come are:

My son's happiness and well being
My health and happiness
My man's happiness, health and love

Everything else can go to hell....

My progress so far

I started the couch to 5 km program at the end of March, it has been 3 weeks. In the first week I suffered. I lumbered and panted from start to finish. I doubted that I could ever run the 5 km. My expectation at the start was that I was never going to be able to jog 5 km without stopping. Today, I still have lingering doubts but that comes from a life time of convincing myself that I "can't run". But every run I do I wash away a little more of those doubts.  Today, I ran four blocks uninterrupted twice during my run. My walking periods we shorter then my jogging periods and I added a kilometer to my route so I am now jogging/walking for 4.25 KM. It is incredible how quickly the body adapts to an exercise plan. Our bodies are designed to move and we function better when we do. I find I am more alert, I am in a better mood on the days when my muscles are pleasantly sore from an early morning jog.  I find it is FAR more rewarding and the results are SO MUCH FASTER then my diet routine. The diet feels a bit like being deprived where jogging makes me feel proud of myself. If you are reading this and you are wondering if you could do it too....you can. I am still 50 pounds over my ideal body weight and I can do this. I'm not great at it, i'll never win any gold medals but I can still heft this body through the streets like any other jogger out there.

Try it, what have you got to lose???

Here are two great websites to get you started...

www.c25k.com
http://www.mapmyrun.com

Mentally ready

Back in January when I began this weight loss journey I had a lot to learn about how to stay on a healthy diet, how to incorporate exercise into my daily routing, how to balance my responsibilities and maintain my focus. At times this learning curve has been down right brutal. A daily and constant struggle to get my ass out of bed and walk in the middle of winter with the ice and the snow. To not give in to those emotional feastings, to have patience with myself when I can only run a half block instead of the 5 that I want to run. Bottom line is waaay back in January I was, mentally, totally ready to start this process. The idea of being "ready" to start a diet might sound foolish to anyone who doesn't have a weight problem, who can control their portion sizes and LOVES to work out. For those of us who over eat by habit and are lazy by nature changing your ways is like changing boyfriends, having a baby or starting a new job. It is time consuming, it takes discipline, it takes stamina and confidence. If you aren't willing to acknowledge that for the next three months, six months, a year, the rest of your life, you have to eat and move differently...you're sunk. I know this because leading up to my January start, I had tried three times and failed. A big reason why I failed is because I wasn't ready to make time for me. I was a new mommy, I was adjusting to life as a working mother, we had just bought our first home , so many excuses but they were all valid reasons at the time why I wasn't willing ready or, frankly, able to start the diet of a lifetime.

When I was finally ready to do it, I jumped with both feet and so far, so good :-)

The balancing act

Parenthood took my life by storm in 2009. I had worked with children for 12 years and assumed (oh so innocently) that I was going to breeeeeeze into motherhood like a natural. Oh my, how wrong I was.

One of my misguided assumptions was that, at 37, I had lived life and had sewn all of my wild oats. That I would happily give up my independence because I had waited until I was old enough and mature enough not to need any personal time or space. I found out over the course of the next year and a half or so that, in fact, there is no ending point to the need for "me" time. I discovered that I am not a whole person when I don't have alone time.  I don't understand people that say they don't like to be alone with their thoughts, I love it and I missed it dearly. The sleepless nights and coming to terms with the realization that my free time was now a mere fraction of what used to be was the most difficult transition into parenthood for me.

Instead of moving forward with life, I admit it, I sulked, I ate and sulked that I couldn't run to the shops at the drop of a hat. I now had to plan my nights out and I had a packed agenda for every single second of every day, no nights or weekends off. When I decided that it was time to lose weight I jumped into it with both feet. I was excited by the challenge but the exercise part was still a problem, when do I find the time? I started getting up at 5 a.m, an ungodly hour. I was determined that this was what it would take for me to fit the exercise in. An amazing thing happened, I was out on the road, alone, with my thoughts. For the first time since the baby was born I felt that familiar happiness at being on my own...what heaven.

Parenting is really about multitasking. With my C25K I am getting myself on track health-wise AND, bonus, getting the alone time I have been desperate for WIN-WIN

Some days are harder then others

Today has been a challenge to stay on track. It has been hard for a couple of reasons, I have been hungry all day, I have cravings for crap all day and at my weigh in last night I was up a pound...It's the trifecta the physical, the desirable and the depressing. I can handle each on their own but when they gang up on me I am held hostage. Instead of breaking I am trying to rationalize it. One, the physical is easy to solve, just eat a lot of the right things and i'll be fine. Two, cravings can be over come easily too by knowing there will be the feelings of guilt if I cheat on my diet and remembering that it is Thursday and that means in a few short hours I can have those cupcakes if that's what I want...I can hold out a few short hours.  The third is tougher of the three challenges. Disappointments like gaining weight lead to frustration and the idea of "What the hell, I can't do this". It is just a pound but it is just a pound in the wrong direction. It is irrational to lose focus because I gained a little weight this week but my mind has this automatic reflex, when I am mad, sad, discouraged, stressed or whatever, I pacify with a snack.

So the challenge continues, the internal battle rages on...should I eat that chocolate, should I have that banana instead. I will let you know which side wins tomorrow because at this point it is still anyone's game.

6:09 am, the next day....I had a big dinner and held out on the junk food...I made it!

Hard road ahead

Well today was another serious test to my endurance and commitment in terms of my running experience. I was out on the road,  early as per the routine, but this time, unlike any of the past few runs I have had, I experienced something like an asthma attack while on the road. I was about 1/3 into the 60 seconds run, 90 seconds walk cycle when I found I was having a really hard time catching my breath. I was thinking, this is it, this is what's going to make me end this brief but illustrious career as a road warrior. It won't be the early morning wake up call or the bleeding blister on my right heel that has been plaguing me since day one; it won't be the creepy guy in the black hoodie who I noticed TWICE in 20 minutes walking the same stretch of road on one of my runs last week or the brutal pounding my joints have been taking....it will be me, collapsed on the side of the road wheezing and sputtering like some old lady. Instead of giving up, which I am prone to do, I just slowed down my pace, changed my expectations and ran in shorted legs more frequently. Clearly I will need more time to build up my cardio and will adjust my expectations to match what my reality is when it comes to jogging.

Oh, and as far as the early wake up call ...I love it,
The weirdo in the hoodie, I changed my route
The bleeding blisters,  I will OVERCOME...nothing a few Bandaids can't help.
The pounding on the old joints...well we'll just have to play that one by ear.

Weekends!

In 2006 I went on Weight Watchers and lost 40 pounds. I kept the weight off until 2008 and really felt like I would have kept the weight off if it weren't for a very trying time in my life where I fell back on food for comfort. I can look back now, with the benefit of hindsight, and realize that I use food to help cope with difficult situations. As ridiculous as this sounds today, being an over weight person my entire adult life, I really didn't even notice that I ate like that.  Well, maybe I did realize but I didn't care. Today I know better and have to try to steer clear of the giant pitfalls I lay for myself in the path to being a healthier weight. Emotional eaters will always struggle with food as long as there are events, actions, children, relationships, jobs, money (you get the idea), to stress over


One of the tricks I used back in 2006 to maintain my sanity and my focus in order to lose 40 pounds and keep it off for 2 years was to take the weekend off from the careful counting of calories. I restrict the time to 24 hours from Friday night to Saturday night but within those hours I could satisfy all of my cravings and emotional feastings.  I would look forward to Friday so much and found I could hold off cheating during the week because it made the break that much better. I have been using this trick this time around and have lost 20 pounds regardless of having a bottle of wine or  a pancake breakfast between Friday and Saturday. Changing how you eat for life involves making exceptions to your rules. Allowances for parties, nights out, cravings or whatever. My goal is to try to keep those splurges to my Friday to Saturday rule.

Rewarding the successes as they come along.

Today I reached my first goal in this process, my first 20 pounds gone...takes a moment, pats self on back, takes a bow. As caught up as I can get on focusing on the finish line I think I MUST acknowledge my successes by rewarding myself along the way. So, as a reward for reaching this goal I have decided to commission an on-line caricature artist to make a personalized Avatar, me as a sexy baker. I feel this would be a fitting homage to the process that got me to the point of needing to get fit again hahaha.


According to Weight Watchers you have to find rewards that don't include food. At first I was like "Commme on now...there is nothing better them my eats". But, I took their advice and really applied myself to coming up with fitting rewards for hitting my goals that DON'T involve lovely food or beverages. The Avatar is one idea. Another is getting a new hair cut, or leaving up a picture on Facebook that I don't particularly like and rewarding myself with changing that picture once I have reached my goal. I have also thought of booking my folks for a few hours on a Saturday afternoon of babysitting and just relaxing, alone, by the water with a good book. For the really small rewards I will post on Facebook or Twitter about what I have achieved and have gotten so much positive feedback that it really does feel like a reward.

My twitter today
"I might not have reached anyone's ideal but I am my perfect right now"

Excuses

Everyday from the day my son was born on July 20 2009  until Jan3 2011 I had made excuses as to why I could not get active, could not eat within my recommended calories for the day. I was stressed, too busy, exhausted, preoccupied, no opportunity, the list can go on for days.

I don't know what happened this year aside from turning 39. Somehow I am motivated, magically. Everyday is better then the last. Sure, I have slipped up, my process has been slower because of those slip ups but it doesn't matter because I know I am not on that slippery slope. I can forgive the mistakes and carry on without wallowing in them. Is this how it happens, is this how people finally change for good? One day it's like a light switch turns on and they realize they CAN do it and the excuses just don't make sense any more?

Week 16 of being on Weight Watchers and I have lost 14.5 pounds, an average of 1.45 pounds a week. This week is the first week out of the last 16 that I haven't felt hungry all the time and I have stayed on track every day. I have also been more active then I have been in years and I don't feel the need to find excuses as to why I can get up, get out and get moving.

It has been a great 16 weeks so far, this one has been the best to date.

Out of bed, off the couch, on the road again

Today was day two of my Couch to 5km experiment. The idea is in something like 9 weeks you will be running 5 km (Very optimistic in my opinion).  I have always had this internal dialogue that would say " running is not for you, you can't run half a block". Well today I proved myself right, disappointingly. I literally can only run a half block at a time. I was so cocky after day one, thinking "this is so easy why haven't I done this sooner". Today's leg of the experiment was a totally different story.  The burning ...ohhh, the legs, the calves, the lungs. Then came the stitches, the sweat, the cramping...ohhhh Lord. I have doubts whether I can do this...serious doubts.

So, how does one stay motivated to keep up with something that seems completely doomed? I think this blog will help me to stay accountable. I hope it will get easier and I will be able to look back at the tragedy of today's leg and say....it's so much easier today then on day 2. I will say that coming home (limping home) with that warm ache, the hot, flushed cheek, sweaty and out of breath, I felt healthier. As unhealthy as I am I felt those 10 minutes of burning did SOMETHING, and it is more then I have done in a long long time.

Dedication...Own It!

I have never been a diary writer so this ought to be interesting...

I have been 39 for 42 days as of today March 29 2011. Only 310 days of my 30ties left and in some ways this is a relief. So much has happened in 10 years, my entire life condensed into a decade. My career as a designer, the "relationship", the journey through trying to conceive and eventually motherhood... knocking checks off my life list each year. I'm exhausted.

Dedication, stamina, ownership, reality... I don't want a blog specifically on my efforts in trying to lose weight because I think that would end in tears. Instead I will blog about my life and in that I will have to talk about my trials and tribulations including the diet, the running, the failures and triumphs that come along with a change in lifestyle.

39...it is the number that has inspired me to lose weight, not the number on scale. If I take control, be dedicated to the plans I have set and own up to the fact that I struggle daily with food then maybe I will finally get to where I want to be.