Made it to 40

So today at 12:25 or so I turned the big 4-0. Although all year I was promising myself that this was going to be the "Me" decade and that I was really looking forward to the whole 40 thing...I can't help but enter this new decade with trepidation. I know you are only as old as you feel and I feel great, I feel young, healthy and ready to rumble. It isn't the brand new 40 I am thinking about, it's the decade of change I am worrying about. When I hit 30 I had it all to look forward to, a loving relationship that grew into a stable partnership that resulted in a child and a new home. The career that was budding and new, no wrinkles, no grey hairs, and I was still able to get away with a skirt that was >< too short.  40 is a whole new animal. I feel, entering into this brave new world, that 40 is where your confidence and sage, wise self develop. Where experience finally pays off.  I am hoping this is the decade where I can relax, explore without objective, learn without necessity and chill out a little. The things that scare me about 40 are out of my control anyway but hopefully I will find the coping skills for the new challenges of the "40ties" and use what I already know to carry me through the rest.

Onwards and upwards....here we go!

Catching Up

It has been a long long time since I have written this blog and in the three months since I have been away a lot has happened, some good, some private but for the most part through thick and thin I have remained on plan as much as I can. The dieter I am today is very different then the dieter I was last year at this time. I have settled into a lull, a maintenance regime. I am not currently actively trying to lose weight. In fact today I canceled my monthly membership to Weight Watchers.

Now, don't be disheartened, I must confess that I have not been using the tools to my advantage over the last three months. I guess I feel I have the routine set and I am comfortable at the weight I am at...for now. In January I decided to take a conversational French course, to improve and update my skills. I am in a constant transition, looking to better myself anyway I can. The course interfered with my weekly Weight Watchers meetings and without them I felt I wasn't getting my money's worth. So the new plan is to find a happy medium where I am still accountable to my diet via daily weigh ins and, when my French course is over at the end of March, to resume my Weight Watchers meetings but go bi weekly, cutting the expense in half. If I find that doesn't work then I rejoin at the full cost.

As for my running, unfortunately I had to bench the running during the winter. I wasn't comfortable running in the freezing air, It wasn't good for my chest and my ankles needed the break. Instead of running I picked up my walking to an hour to 1.5 hours a day (between 2-5 km a day). For certain my wind isn't as good as it was in the fall. I know that my stamina will have to be regained but as far as my weight control the walking is working beautifully. At Christmas I gained 7 pounds, I dropped 4 -5 of those pounds and have maintained a pretty consistent 30-33 pound weight loss since this time last year.

I am comfortable where things are right now, I am weighing in daily to make sure my weight stays in check. I am sticking, for the most part, to my weekend splurges and my weight control week days. It's been a pretty good transition into hibernation mode. I am looking forward to the spring where I can crack out my runners again though, I miss the limp breeze in my hair as I stagger around the block ;-)

The Future is SCARY

It has been a very very long time since I have posted anything and there has been a good reason for that, I have been contemplating this entry for a long long time. I am a worrier, I worry more when I believe I don't have control over a situation. So, I try my best to make sure all my ducks are aligned almost all the time. The future, for someone like me, can be riddled with anxious moments wondering about that ever present question "what if". My focus has been to get my weight down but now that it's down I feel the pressure to keep it off, to now slip up and slide back.  The big questions I have running through my head are these

• Winter's coming, how will I keep up with my 1/2hr daily running and 45minute daily walking?
• If I can't keep up that kind of exercise regime what will happen to me? Will the pounds begin to pile on?
• What if I suffer and injury while running that side lines me?
• I might want another baby, the whole reason I piled on so many pounds in the first place...what will I do if another baby comes along? How will I handle my weight then?
• What if I just , plain, lose my momentum. 90% of this battle has been fought on sheer momentum. The idea of running out of steam seems only too possible. How do you keep up with the will power forever?

To be completely honest the fact that we are 10.5 months into this journey and I haven't slipped back at all seems like a miracle to me. The fact that I am 6 moths down the line and still running 4 days a week and am going to MISS running over the winter shocks and pleases me.Worriers tend to plan, it is a control thing. So I have started to try to develop some contingency plans for living life as a skinny person....Here goes:

#1: Always have a plan,a goal and a strategy for the future.
#2: Find an alternative exercise that burns as many calories as jogging but that I can do at home.
#3: Take diet breaks from time to time to give myself a mini vacation.
#4: Weigh in daily to stay accountable
#5: If we decide to have another baby keep track of my calories and try not to exceed a 25 pound weight gain.
#6: If there is a new baby in the home make it a part of the postpartum plan to be back on Weight Watchers right away and begin exercising asap. This is how the indoor exercise regime might become crucial.
#7: Throw out my fat clothes and only buy and wear clothes that fit perfectly. Fat clothes are too comfy.
#8: THINK before I eat...THINK before I eat...THINK before I eat. Why do I want that glass of wine, Why am I eating another cookie, Am I hungry? Is that pasta dish the best choice.
#9: Measure and weigh my food, what goes in must be worked off daily.
#10: Forgive myself if I do mess up and gain a bit back. Guilt is a insidious feeling. Guilt can make one do weird things like say to ones self " Screw it...I already failed."

 So there we have it, I don't know what my future will bring but I do know that it will always be challenging to my diet. Aging, stresses, babies, injuries...all of it can impact and unravel the hard work I have put in to get as far as I have today. I don't know how I will cope but I do know that at least I have begun the planning stages of living life as a skinny.

WHAT...you've got to be kiding me.....

I have a confession....I have been on Weight Watchers since January and I haven't ONCE followed the program completely ....shame on me.  Once a week I make a decision to break the rules from Friday night to Saturday night by eating what I want, drinking as much as I want, snacking on high calorie treats....basically binging for about 24 hours. When I went on WW the first time I did this same thing and lost 40 pounds but never got below a certain number. Well, I have stalled out at approximately that same number, give or take 5 pounds, once again.  I have been circling it for months now and the only thing left for me to do to kick start the weight loss is to become a full fledger on the program...to follow it religiously. I am allotted an extra 49 points a week for treats like wine, a piece of cake, a big breakfast...I have been going over that 49 points wildly...just the one day a week. I can see that now all the hard work of running, walking, point counting, hunger pains, refusing to give in to cravings is for nothing because of this one binge day.

So I admitted this for the first time at my WW meetings this week and they challenged me to follow the plan for 4 solid days over the weekend, no binge day.

So, here we are, t-45 minutes until my usual binge day start and I am debating whether or not I should even attempt this madness. I know everyone else can follow the plan, I should be able to. I realize (sadly) that I am sabotaging my work with the over eating but it is mentally SO good for me...it truly truly is. I have been struggling to fit the WW diet into my life and make it a part of the backdrop and not the front and center of my everything. Dieting makes me feel deprived, angry....if I have a cheat day to look forward to I can be good, I can be solid the rest of the week.

I can only try...I can only do my best and see if I like the 49 point rule..I will do my best but I am pretty sure i'm not going to like it....here goes nothing.........

Rules to live by

For me my two new rules to live by since the birth of my son is:

I need "Me" time and I need to be at a healthy weight all the time, or at least striving towards it. Without the appropriate amount of both I am not happy, plain and simple.

This discovery has actually been very important to me, to my relationship with my family, for my attitude at work and has kept me motivated on the program. Realizing how much better I feel since losing some of my weight and clawing back personal time even with my very busy life has made me sane again, we were all starting to get worried!

I don't consider the two activities as the same thing, they are mutually exclusive. My running time is exercise and my "me" time is down time where I don't have to do anything but exactly what I want to do, guilt free. If I want to watch my soaps, wander the mall aimlessly, or sit on the deck with a book that is my relaxing time. Sometimes my "me" time includes my man or my boy because they both relax and delight me. Usually though it is all about me and i'm fine with that.

Teaching the art nutrition....how the hell do I do that?

  From pregnancy on I have felt ultimately responsible for the relationship my son has with food. Did I eat too many sweets during pregnancy? Will my failure to breastfeed mean he will end up with an obesity problem and battling diabetes as all the studies relentlessly point out. I made my own baby food but sometimes I cracked and fed him jars, I can't afford purely organic fruits and veggies, I added salt to his food, I gave him milk bottles in his crib, chips at parties, processed meals from time to time, dessert after dinner, we even went to McDonald's once. Feeding your child can become this minefield of do's and don'ts with a million opportunities for you to make judgment calls on behalf of your child...but
How do you teach a child to eat the right things in the right proportions if you aren't clear on the concept for yourself? I am working on it by taking advice from the experts and taking the lead from my boy. If he tells me he's had enough, even if his enough seems like not enough, I respect it. I want him to understand where his full is and stop at a comfortable full. I don't know how to do that. I eat until I am STUFFED which is usually significantly more calories then I need in any one meal.


 This week I had a breakthrough, discipline wise, with my son. He was adamant that he wasn't going to do something that I wanted him to do and I was determined that he would. I couldn't back down because I had drawn a deep line in the sand; to back down at that point would be to set the stage of being walked all over for the rest of my parenting career. So, what was the focus of this critical disciplinary turning point in my relationship with Ian, why suppertime of course. I had made, from scratch, a beef stew and a cauliflower and cheese. He took one look at it and said "No, banana!" After 20 minutes of begging, threatening, crying, screaming and eventually successful bargaining I managed to get Ian to take ONE bite of the cauliflower and cheese. This was all I asked for, no more no less but the expectation for him to do this was there and failure to comply meant no banana, no supper. I won, I succeeded in bending him to my will. But, of course, the inevitable fear and guilt about that food relationship crept into the back of my mind. Will this battle of wills warp his little mind? Will he grow up to feel like he never had control over his plate of food because his cruel mother forced him to try everything...even if it was just one bite. I feel as if the dinner table is the wrong place for a battle of wills but at the same time I want my child to realize that he isn't ordering from a restaurant, that variety and home made have been, are and will be always a part of the menu in our home and that when mommy says "please try this" it isn't a request but an absolute obligation. I want him to be open to trying everything but to be allowed to develop his own palate where it is OK for him not to like everything after he has tried it the once.

Of course what I want and what will happen are never  a predetermined certainty when you throw a child into the mix but one can only hope and try her best (and implement brainwashing techniques when all else fails.)

The inner transformation.

I'm feeling good, real good, lately. I knew from experience that taking weight off is a physical relief. Things are easier when you are at a healthier weight. There is, however, a toll to pay on your psyche when you are over weight. For me I lost some of the confidence that is a big part of who I have always been. I have never been a slim or petit girl and I have known since I was a child that I never would be based on my natural bone structure and build. I am completely fine with being a big, tall girl hovering in the plus sizes, not everyone can or would want to be a size 4 and not everyone can pull off a size 14-16.   It wasn't until my weight over powered my ability to control it that it started to impact the core of my personality....causing self doubt, shyness and insecurity. I am not shy, I am not insecure....I have self doubt from time to time but not at the scale I was having to deal with it. I was constantly telling myself "you can't lose this weight, you just can't". I changed my walk and my stance to try to cover up my flaws. I never took pictures of myself and actually ripped up pictures I couldn't stand to see of myself. I felt out of control and that left me frustrated, miserable and bitchy. The happy-go-lucky girl I like to think I was was quickly replaced with a mean and grouchy eating machine.

Then the weight started to come off....pound by pound my mood changed, my stance straightened up, my gait became faster and more confident. I felt comfortable in my skin again and that is liberating, comforting...exciting.

I assume that anyone who ventures into their own weight loss journey will expect some dramatic changes both inside and out, this is part of the fun and the incentive to stay on track. This is my experience to date with the mental effects of weight on my personality. I anticipate more dramatic changes ahead for me as I begin breaking through weight barriers I haven't even been close to breaking since I was a teenager. I am not sure how I will transform when I reach my ideal body weight (notice the WHEN and not if...that's something new). I know for certain that it will only be good, it can only be good, or great or fantastic...any positive descriptive word applies here. It is this weightless joy that seems to be refueling my fire to keep me on track.